No cheeseburger in paradise...

I am pretty well-travelled and have eaten all sorts of different food in my lifetime, and I just can't get myself to appreciate the Norwegian food. It is gloopy and bland, and God help you if you're vegan. As we were eating, well I was staring at the other people in awe but Jon and the kids were eating, we joked that there was almost nothing a vegan could eat, just some apple juice, cucumber, and tomato. Maybe the bread, hard to know. But for the rest of us, there was deli ham and a million kinds of salami, liver pate, sliced Norvegia cheese (like Swiss), blue cheese, and tubes upon tubes of spreads: caviar spread, ham cheese, bacon cheese. Yes, bacon cheese spread. Think tube of athlete's foot cream, but filled with something the texture of toothpaste and the smell of meat. Very odd. There were hard and soft boiled eggs and six thousand types of jelly in big tubs, spread on bread with the back of a giant communal spoon. A bowl with something that looked like a fancy spice rub for meat, white and black speckled sand, was labeled "cappucino." Okay, fine, I drink this, but mine is better. Mine is called Latte and it looks like something that I find in the bottom of my sandals after a walk on the beach. There were cucumber slices, tomato wedges, and 2 bowls of yogurt, melon and plain. Melon yogurt was clearly the more popular, they had a hard time keeping the bowl full.  Ick. There was muesli to top the yogurt, and corn flakes that you top with a thin flavored yogurt the consistency of milk. Oh, and orange wedges with the peel on, like you get in a bar drink from TGI Friday's and throw away. You know, they are stained red from a marascino cherry and come on a plastic fruit spear. Delicious. Oh, yeah, and some capers, but no fresh salmon. I think the capers go on the bread with the salmon roe cheese (the foot cream with kaviar written on it). There were also rubbery, cold scrambled eggs that I took one bite of and literally could not eat, despite the thoughtful touch of freeze dried chives. I had to spit them into my napkin, and I'm even used to institutional scrambled eggs. Jon and Sam had a bunch of little sausages that actually smelled delicious and reminded me of the kind the airlines used to serve with pancakes, back when airlines served breakfast. I loved those as a kid, truly adored them, but was afraid to ruin that memory. Instead I made new memories that will probably stick around just as long. Sorry, new Norwegian friends, I don't mean to be rude, but you guys aren't exactly known for your cuisine. Forgive me for agreeing. 

image: Sosia Bert